Day 4

a view outside from my room at the 4th floor

It's sunny outside but i don't really want to go out from the apartment, at the first time i'm arrived in this country i usually came by to my cousin's house, he's already have two kids, Fadhil and Jarfa, they are so cute, just wait until i get they're picture so i can post out in here.

Oooh God, how do i miss Jakarta so much, i miss my mom and my brother, Ristu. I miss to company mom to get her radiotherapy at the hospital, i miss to fight with Ristu, i miss my boyfriend so much, how to communicate with him even we're having a long distance relationship (Jakarta-Surabaya) were never meant harder than now we do. I miss Aplie so much, i miss to see her a lot. And i miss the other friends of mine, how do i miss to catch up and hangout with them.

Now i have to be more patient because the fact that i got a new job from my cousin, to help him on his project of a drama television at the Production House that he has been work. It means i will spend much more time to live here and it's so damn Arrrrgh!!! I can't explain what is on my mind but this is too much i guess, i can't stop thinking about my mom, how she feels now, how good she is, and the culture shock thingy, and so many things that i better left unsaid, because this is too much! MUCH! oh okay, feels like my brain will be exploded, so i have to finish my word, just now.

Oh Well, Hey..

Just want to follow up a little life of me i will write again a few post in here. The last three months ago i passed the hardest days of my life, while the most time i spent before is about thinking about my future and a dozen plans of mine, i have to face the fact of my mom suffering from her cancer. When i have to stop applying a job that have been so closed to me and decided to choose spending my time to company her and take care of her health.

It's been 22 months she had survived from her cancer after the first diagnose at the last January in 2010. She lost more than 20 kilos of her weight, she looks so fragile, she's been so weak, but even though now she lost her ability to walk alone and her face telling that she tired of her self, i know she's strong enough, i know she can survive to kill her pain. I know you can, Mom..

Now we have to be separated a thousand miles a way, i can't reach you like the passed a month ago when i totally can safe you on the side of your bed at the hospital and having my sight is just around you. It's so hard to let myself leaving you at a time like this. When you pushed me to accompany Dad to finish his duty at the ambassador of Brunei Darussalam, that was hurt a lot, but i promise you to come back soon to pick you up, Mom.. like the first plan we have when Dad tell us about his job mutation. You will be happy to lives here, so get well very soon Mom, i love you. :)

My First Sketch!

Have a short conversation with my friend and he promise me to make a sketch of mine. So i thought why i don't make it by my self? I used to think to draw it but i really can't draw, yea.. if you ask me to draw a couple mountain including their coffee shop near by the road, i will, but drawing a face into a sketch? Haha! It's impossible.

So, why don't give my self a try? my mind said that. Then i chose a picture of me and edit the photo into an edge to make a basic pattern of your face by using the Photoshop CS, done it? Open the Paint at your windows and start painting your photo with a pencil. Drawing line per line, one piece of your hair per hair and be patience to wait until your sketch done. Easy? Haha again, just try.. I already done sketching mine less than 3 hours. Ain't bad at all, right? Yay! :)

21.06: She Needs Me

I don't know where she is now but suddenly she's talking to me on my messenger that she needs me. She needs my appearance around her and all i can do is giving her a smile and telling that she had me on her side, right here, even when we're separate this distances.

I know how it feels being alone when your head full of things you've been thinking whole day. Maybe the unspoken thingy, made your brain works harder to remember some of thoughts and feelings. And you need is a friend to share, but no one can feel you the same just like you want to tell the most. The closest friend of yours.

I sad when she down, but the feeling of being needed by someone you love is the best feeling ever. Cause no matter what it is, she/he has placing you on her/him top list i guess. The trusted one.

A Letter To Stephani Haryanto

Pssst.. I used to give you this letter before you go to China but it's too late to print and give this to you at the airport. And the photos i grabbed on your blog at that time still on progress to make it into a video post to you, -blame it mas Adjuk! he still busy doing his things, hehe- but the video will be aired soon, i promise you! :DDD And well here it is, the letter:

A Letter To Stephani Haryanto
Jakarta, 5.47 am
January 16, 2011

Oma...
I suddenly miss you!
it's been two hours I'm stalking your blog
saving your pictures and preparing to keep it before you go to China
preparing to be tough when your gone
here they are..
here they are..
aaarrrgh!
this tears starting me down, mellow.. just for thinking about ya.
Ommaaa..
can you just stay here?
can you just accompany me, here..
we could share many things,
we could sing our favorite songs out loud together,
we could buy our favorite foods, remember that you like fine dining so much and dress up beautifully,
we could hurt each other (sounds so wrong, but ya know.. the 'jambak-tendang-tabok' things, i will miss em that much)
we could buy a drink and feel free to get drunk all night long,
we could do our great time together! :( :( :(
Omaaa..
will you be the same like the old you when you got there?
will you remember me, missing me like i do to you?
will you stopping your busy thingy right there for a second just to say "Hi" to me on a chat-room?
will you keep posting your blog like i asked you on our last meeting?
will you send me your digital hug when i feel so damn tired and sad, when i need you?
ah, when you read it i can't hear your answer. :( :( :(
Momma!
promise me you'll be okay over there,
promise me you'll hit your cousin's value!
promise me you'll be back soon with your new you,
and promise me that you'll never give up with this long distance relationship between us! (sound so weird..)
but well well..
Ommmaaaaa..
i won't say goodbye to you..
here is my letter, hope you'll smiling next to your window at the plane and watch the sky and i down here..
just like Rangga smiling back to Cinta, you know..
and I'll be Cinta waiting you here..
waiting you come back to Jakarta again and bring me your best!
have a safe flight Omaaa..
I love you, my truly friend of mine. :)

RESET

I used to think about this; you are the owner of your life and you have a power to control your system with your own authority. It means you have a freedom to choose your life at your own way, right? When you have a dream to become a super hero, so what you have to do is create it with your imagination and build it on your way, but how is gonna be if you have failed it before you reach your high? disappointed, yes? feel insecure and give up, no?

The same question on my mind is, did you ever feel rejected?

Did you ever feel so down and broken into a pieces cause you can't reach what you really want? When you already have too much efforts to make it come true but you cannot passed it, you've failed and feel rejected. How was that feel? Broke up, fell, rejection, it's a normal things that could really happen in your life. Such a trouble, it's always become a friend of yours. But when you keep in faith and accepted those things wisely, you'll be a better person. Some mistakes and failures, their just a small punch that will make you stronger. They become a lesson for your life, cause you learn your past and it's good for your future.

I remember last night, have a talk to my friend and he explained something about Reset. That is a familiar Reset on a game or in a system that can bring you back in a normal condition. It just like when you having problems with your computer, your system won't start up and all you have to do is restores your computer back just like the first day you use it after you bought that computer from the store. So, this is what i really mean, when you feel rejected by someone or something, you can heal your self, release your pain and starting redesign the new you, after all, push that "Reset Button" and well hey, you still alive, right? Now you're back into reality, your normal life. So, what are you waiting for? You wanna cry your self alone at the corner of your room and feeling so damn pathetic person or let's challenging your self to push that button and trying to get a life?

*Sigh.. Well well, this is random i know, but it just goes around in my mind like an orbit. Another new philosophy and i just want to write it down to you. Ciao!

Masih Tanda Tanya

Kamu bermasalah, aku juga. Kalau begitu kenapa tak kita coba selesaikan bersama?
Kamu lelah, aku ikut dibuatmu gundah. Yakin.. kau tak ingin berbagi dan hanya ingin simpan masalahmu sendiri?
Lalu kamu menyerah, aku tidak. Sekarang, kenapa kau yang lari dari masalah?

Catat: tanya hatimu! :)

Baby I'm Back!

Whoaaa..
it's been a long looong time..
miss me? no?
aaah, i miss ya!
it's good to know that people has changed
everybody's changing!
some has affected me in a positive way
and some feels the other side of it
and i realized that life is truly goes on
some people may stuck on their own business of life
and some people was successfully moved from that "thing"
called it pain, scars, sickness, a failure, broken-hearted part, a ghost from the past..
well yeah, call it whatever you want..
but heeey.. i already moved!
Hooray!
it's been two years that pain has always haunted me,
i stumbled on the old memories and it's always playing in my mind..
feels like i can't move, i was stuck on the box
i want to move on but it's so hard
and it's getting harder and harder when you're alone
here it is..
remember when i told ya when over than a hundred reason why you wanted someone to be yours,
cause no matter what all you ever wanted is just him
i said so why do we have to wait so long for someone that will cannot love you back, that is wasted.
so why i took it so long?
ya, i thought he's worth to wait
you know, that's wrong!
but different thought of mine saying it's just like my own dream
why we don't try to reach our dream, so I'll keep pursuing it!
cause when you found someone who is make you believe that he's all you ever want, it's so perfect.
why you have to find so hard when you exactly know what you want?
same wasted, right?
but i felt it wrong if i don't even think how about to move on
there are over a billion people around the globe get ready for the new love but i don't get a chance of it, and I'm neglecting it.
it's so wrong when you don't try to get out of that situation
you have to out of the box
you have to create the brand new you
So i try to open myself, trying to out of that box, and it's just happened!
I'm no longer on that situation when i try so hard to push myself out from the outer space that i called it "past."
so here i go..
different me
different vision of mine before
the stronger me
the better am i to be
and the faster i moving forward from the awkward situation that trying to broke me down on the ground
this is the best part of me
it's because of You..
You, someone i could belief no matter who you are
and no matter how long we know each other
all i ever feel now is just i love the real you,
the kind of you,
the sweetest thing in you,
your presence around me, i felt it so true
thanks for being you!

So how's your life, stranger?
I tell ya, just stay positive in your life,
and you'll be alright, we're all be alright! :)

Suddenly Feel The Same Way

"The worst part is like, in the end of the day, you were like, one of my best friends and I feel that I’ve completely lost that. I lost another friend. I am so just like tired of making you be my friend and I don’t know what to do anymore, I feel pathetic." - Lauren Conrad, The Hills

And This is What I Love Of A Friendship

Buy it, use it, break it, fix it,
Trash it, change it, mail - upgrade it,
Charge it, point it, zoom it, press it,
Snap it, work it, quick - erase it,
Write it, cut it, paste it, save it,
Load it, check it, quick - rewrite it,
Plug it, play it, burn it, rip it,
Drag and drop it, zip - unzip it,
Lock it, fill it, call it, find it,
View it, code it, jam - unlock it,
Surf it, scroll it, pause it, click it,
Cross it, crack it, switch - update it,
Name it, rate it, tune it, print it,
Scan it, send it, fax - rename it,
Touch it, bring it, Pay it, watch it,
Turn it, leave it, start - format it.
-Daftpunk, Technologic

A friend to me is not the same thing like a technology. You cannot buy a friend like a cool stuff because they are priceless. But the words above, the lyrics, in my opinion has accidentally reminds me to something that i shouldn't do in my friendships. I can't Lock my friends, i cannot bordering them cause they have a freedom to say and act what they want. I can't Erase them too, because no matter what they did to me, they're still a friend of mine (unless they've betrayed me, I swear to God.. I'm not kind to them and i can be evil than an evil itself). And the last, this is the word that could applies to anyone -either a friend or a boyfriend- that you cannot Upgrade your friend to be someone you like. Have you heard a quotes that saying, "You come to love by not finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly." and i strongly agree with that.

And this is a random question:
Do you know the power of your friendships?
the answer is:
Having a close friend means you feel less stressed and find it easier to stick to healthy habits. and, most important you always have someone to answer the "am I crazy?" question.

and it's so true :)

Love Must Go On

"What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you, and what am i supposed to say when I'm all choked up that you're ok, I'm falling to pieces." -The Script, Breakeven

I thought love is kind a sweet thing but love can be evil sometimes. Love can hurt you so bad when you're losing someone you like. And when your love is gone, it feels like no one can ever compare him cause all you ever wanted is just him. You think that your love is worth to wait. But how long? How can you move on? Just believe that everyone has their own soul mate, until that time coming, they will found someone. Someone you could believe, he is the one.

Life is For Charities

"You just call out my name
And you know wherever I am
I'll come running to see you again
Winter, spring, summer or fall
All you have to do is call
And I'll be there, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You've got a friend."
-James Taylor, You've Got A Friend

photo from here

I used to think about the dark situation in a human life, there's not always stand a happiness thing in their eyes. There are over a million people in the world living below the poverty line. They need our hands to hold them. I love kids and i always missed my childhood, a wide memories that i will never forget even the worse part of it. And this "21 years old" means to me to become wiser than before, to be the people who can respected many things around my life.

As we can see, it's a clear view that not all of the child in the world have a decent life, many of them had the underlined life of poverty or even get worst to see the kind of violence and get abandoned by their parents. They need our help. We need to care to ensuring health, education, equality and protection for the world's children. Sometimes i feel envy with the people who got a brilliant voices or the other talents so they've got a chance to give something for the children needs by their individuals income. I am not be able to reach those child like an artists or the philanthropies but someday i want to rest a part of my life to help 'em. I want to support them as a donor or volunteer of a partner organization just like a UNICEF or the huge one of organization such a UNESCO. That's my biggest real dream to make a little difference for children. I believe that every child has a dream and a desire to achieve their dreams.

And The World Has Set Goals For Children
Would you help them for a better life in the future?

It's about Love

"What was the point of having unending life if that life was without love?" -Claudia Gray

I love to be loved and i hate to lose it all. Love means everything to me. Allah -the only one i can believe in this world, believing that Allah was truly exist in my soul, hear and guide me to had a great life. A family -how could i live without 'em? they're the lights of my life. Friends -they're belong to me in every time i need 'em, my energy. And my life -that is a fabulous thing i learned how can i stand in this world with my own feet. I'm fully blessed with all of my thoughts and feelings about something, learn a new thing in life just like a surprise for me, got a challenge to facing the hardest part of my life and trying to solve it all and a choice to have a new one you loved is the most cute feeling i guess, when you have a good feeling to miss someone that you had care about or even when you feel like you had a big storm in your life to lose someone you love, at least you've learned how to keep up and protect your love and try to be the nice one for them.

Quick Internship Report:

Last Friday, we had celebrated "Tumpengan" (it just like a farewell party) in the office for our Director for Information and Media, Mr. Soehardjono Sastromihardjo, Drs, M.A. that has been raised his position as the Ambassador of Indonesia to Kingdom of Cambodia, in Phnom Penh. I do not want to tell you any longer about that but I'd like to share to you what I've learned from his speech that time, i shortly understanding those words like:

"No matter who you are, when you are living in your working environment, show your potentials, then you got their attention. Stand up from your chair, and do the best as you can do. Do not keep silent and hiding of yourself. They're looking forward and get a value of your quality."

and oh, it's inspires me :)

PS: the name of Department of Foreign Affairs RI was replace to the Ministry of Foreign Affairs Republic of Indonesia. It's the place that i working for my internship! Should I be Proud? Don't need to ask, I was :)

Good Thought of Mine Today!

"You are the one who got to chose to live your life in the good way, or the worse one. I prefer to starting my day with a good mood, beautiful smile and mind with my arms wide open. I will never know what will gonna happen in the next couples seconds, minutes or even hours with my life, at least I have tried my best way for starting my life today."

PS: happy Saturday morning everyone! xoxo, neyne :)

Ain't Got No Resolution. Why I HaveTo?

"This morning I woke up with this overwhelming fear of love, and I'm not sure if I can resurrect you." -it's about time, Barcelona

I passed the new year eve with all of my happiness, now it feels like I want to burnt my heart deep down inside, knowing the only friend I'd care about, has disappeared.. left me alone without any reason. Thinking about my new hope, my new resolution, i don't even care about it anymore.. This situation is really made me down.

Just Jack: The Day I Died

Seven days a week, i keeping on track living in a love life with my family, spending my whole time with 'em as a habitual activity to collect our memories together that will never destroyed with anyone/anything could do it. Watching this video made me falling to imagine when some of my family, my dad, has to be gone.. it's really scared i guess ;((

This one was totally touchy:

There is a Gift to Supports

"a gift is sweet, that is became a memorable thing when someone, whoever he/she is gave you a kind of something that you were like. Whatever the value and the smallest thing it is, it impressed you deeper on the other side of your heart."

PS: thank you Mbak Novi for the beads bracelet you've gave to me today, you knew it wore me down, but you had already put a smile on my face ;)

Wanna Be There at:

click for the larger image
or just click this for further information!

I'd really like to come on hellofest 6 with Oma since mas Adjuk, one of the menthor of hello;motion academy told me about the event, it will be great he said. oh Oma, would you come with me? please check out your schedule, hurry! ;))

I La La Like it!

"God gave me style
God gave me grace
God put a smile on my face
God made me shine like the sun
Sometimes I feel like I'm the one,
It ain't my fault."

-K. Fallatah, a friends of mine